What’s The Point?

A cousin of mine (on my father’s side) is getting married today and ever since last three weeks, relatives have been calling and ’sms’ing, reminding us to attend. Putting aside the question of sincerity of that invitation, I have to say that I don’t see the point in going at all. Ever since small, we have never been really close to these people. As long as I could remember, in almost all of our family meetings or gatherings, my siblings and I (and my mom too) had always been subjected to ridicule. They would joke about almost everything about us. From our worn down car to our utter lack of luxury in everything. Well, I have to admit, we were the poorest among them. They have big cars and big houses and always on a trip for vacations in luxurious and exotic places. Everyone would be invited except for us. And everytime we went back to Kampung during Raya or other similar ocassions, we would always be the underprivilleged, outdated bunch whom no one wants to play with. We didn’t know the latest video games or fashion. We were asked to participate only when there’s really no other people of a similar stature. And like idiots, we agreed to become temporary clowns. I still remember how my little sister would come crying to me…complaining how they would isolate her in everything. And I don’t even want to mention the things that they did to my parents. Well, now that we all have grown up and have learned to live without cousins and relatives, why the sudden need to get close to us? An uncle complained to my brother asking why I am so distant. Well, affection and love cannot be forged. Things are what they were 10 years ago. You can’t expect me to suddenly become close to you if in reality, we are NOT CLOSE. the father of the groom came to personally invite us last week (for the 2nd time), urging us to be there. We almost feel guilty when he suddenly started to question my sister about her education. The questions were at first, harmless and unimportant. But they later develop into an annoying police-like investigations, attacking my sister with questions as to whether she really studies in the university of Malaya, and if she really does study there, why have haven’t any of our other cousins there notice her. And which faculty? And if she really studies there, tell him where this is and that is. Goodness, what’s his problem! Well, this is not something new, ever since we were small, whenever we have good news to share or success to announce, the respond that we get from them is always suspicions and utter envy. Family dinners would always be battle ground where everyone throws in their exam grades and parents compete in showing their children’s intelligence. Well, enough is enough. The ship of family bonding has long ago sailed. I’m putting my foot down.

Lazy Dirty People

Some people are just plain lazy and dirty. Period. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, nothing will change. They can live in filth and mess. Dirty plates and unmade beds, no problem! They can go on living their lives and doing their routines with no concerns/worries whatsoever. Don’t bother trying to advise them, because not only will they ignore your good intentions, they’d be uncessarily defensive and make an enemy out of you. It’s easy to ignore these people when they are not related to you by blood, kinship, friendship or whatever relationship. But if one of them turned out to be someone very close to you, you’d find it really hard not to do something about the situation, or at least say something to improve it. You’d be left in dilemma, not knowing whether to take actions or keep silent. For me, I’d rather keep quiet. I used to be the opposite. Always voicing out what I feel about many things. I found this not to be the best approach…So, if you are in the same predicament, trust me, with these kind of people, talking is just not the way. Too sensitive…Too defensive…so…nothing can be done actually. Annoying!!!

Succumbed

Holding on to what you believe in is not an easy thing. There would be times when you’ll feel that it is more convenient to succumb to social pressure and settle down. Be like everybody else and do what everybody else does. There would be those painful instances when you feel as though you have no choice but to give in to society’s demands and sacrifice your own needs. And once you have succumbed, you’d feel even a greater sense of relief. You are no longer swimming against the current. You are no longer fighting a losing battle. You are no longer that alien whom everybody looked at and treated differently. All those unnecessary comments and annoying advises are now gone and you have been figured out. You are no longer a mystery to them. You are now one of them. Hence, you should be happy.

But the question is…are you happy? Are you happy that you are no longer different and that you are now one of them? Are you satisfied that you have successfully reached (or will be reaching) those dreams that others thought should be yours? Are you content with what you have because those are the things that people think you should have? A very close friend of mine recently called and indirectly told me that he had succumbed. He had reconsidered all his stances and principles and said that perhaps the majority is right. Though he did not state too obviously that he had made a decision to join the congregation of normal human beings, it was quite clear that he was. I would have been very happy for him if he does what he did because he really believes in the goodness of those things that he chose to do. But being his friend for more than 10 years, I knew that his happiness was a false pretense. That he was just tired of fighting and being different. And that he was actually afraid of his own future…Of course the honest thing to do was to tell him that he has made an unwise decision. But I was not in the mood of being honest. In fact, all throughout our 10 years of friendship, I knew that he was the kind of person who would not listen…Not because he does not want to, but simply because he is too exhausted to evaluate the rationale of my concerns. So, i entertained the hints of his newfound belief in our conversation, and whenever a conflict of opinions seem to arise, I avoided the subject and cracked a joke. It was the hardest thing do since I knew that I was actually losing a very close friend. Someone whom I would usually share my worries about the future. Someone who shares my beliefs and views on matters of life. And someone who REALLY understand what I am ploughing through in life…as me. But, he has the right to choose what he wants in his life…and so am I. Everytime, close friends change their courses and sail in new directions, I would pray in my heart that we’d still have each other like before. And so far, none of the prayers have come true…but I will not lose hope. As I put down the phone, I prayed to God almighty once again… for us to still be friends like before.

Forbidden Areas

Even in the closest of friendship, there has to be forbidden areas. A topic or topics about our lives that we wish to be left alone to our own discretions. Weaknesses, personal beliefs and private principled stances that we hold on to vehemently, due to very personal reasons that only we ourselves would understand. They are things that we do or don’t do, because of what we believe in, regardless of what other people has to say about it (including our best friends). To put it simply, every each of us has a sore spot that we don’t like people to rub.  We are different human beings, with different personalities. We were not born nor raised in the same family by the same parents. Thus, we will have different ways of looking at things. Different principles. Different phillosophies and beliefs in life. No matter how close we are as friends, we are going to be different from each other in many areas and the best way to handle this is for us not to wander into these forbidden areas. Though we may be professing the same religion or embracing the same culture, by the end of the day every individual make their own decions and have their own individual stances about things. And good friends SINCERELY respect them. And when I say sincerely, I mean SINCERELY. Not prentending to be sincere but jump at every possible opportunities to mock our friend’s personal stances and leave unnecessary comments. Friends share their thoughts and opinions with each other. Best friends share even deeper and more personal thoughts and opinions with each other. The act of sharing these is motivated by the need to have someone to confide in. Someone that you trust. Someone who would upon knowing what your personal stances are in life, would protect you and defend you in the future, in case your personal principles become a problem to others outside. Even if your principle goes against his. I once shared a very personal belief and stance with a very good friend who promised that no matter what, he respects my right to my thoughts sincerely though it goes against what he believes in. Well, I have to say he disappointed me in the end. Instead of keeping it to himself, and respect my views sincerely. He judged me and made fun of what I believe in front of another friend. I on the other hand still stick to my end of the bargain, and didn’t even make a comment on some of other principles that he stands on despite them going diametrically opposite mine. This is really sad. Even if you think that your belief and personal stance is the right one, you should not mock other people’s personal stance! What more if that person is your best friend. I don’t care if your opinion is in line with the religion or the culture or whatever rules that exist on the planet! When I share with you my thoughts about things, I need you to respect my right to think and have an opinion. Even if you think otherwise. Best friend is someone who would be there for you even if they may not totally agree with you. Take my advice, if you really can’t respect other people’s stance, don’t fool people by prentending that you do. It hurts when your true colours come out…

Alone

Alone

Edgar Allan Poe

1809-1849

Insatiable Society

Don’t get me wrong! I love being a Malay. I love being a Malaysian. And I am proud being an Asian. What I am not fond of is simply the insatiable society that I am living in. From my officemates to my next door neighbours, everyone is simply unquenchable when it comes to my personal life. Everyone wants to know why I’m this and that. Why did I do this and didn’t do that. For the love of God! Stop with the unncessary questions. It’s my life. I’ll decide when, what and how. I am so exausted with the never-ending need of having to justify my actions and decisions to other people. Yes, you are my relatives. Yes, you are my grandma, uncles and aunts, hence I should respect you. Yes, you are my friends. Yes, you are older than me and hence in our Malay culture, you are to be treated/respected like my own elder kakak/abang. But the fact of the matter is there are boundaries even in family relationships. When you reach 21, your life does not have to be a complete open book. You should be able to choose which page is for public show and which ones are for your own eyes. And other people should RESPECT THAT. Can’t there ever be a conversation that does not involve asking personal questions! Can’t Malaysians create a warm, friendly and neighbourly relationship with each other without butting into each other’s life. And this thing doesn’t just stop here. I remembered facing the same predicament when I was living in the UK while doing my LLM. Well, I didn’t have any problems with my Brits friends. It’s amazing how we could talk for ours about many many things other than the weather, without even once touching each other’s private lives. But, try saying hi to a Malaysian kakak/abang that you see sitting in front of the University bus stop. It will not be long before they are ask you about why you are still single, and how it is important for you to hurry in finding your ‘jodoh’  God! You just knew me! I thought travelling thousands of miles away from Malaysia will take the nosy genes out of them. Turned out, I was wrong. A friend of mine who was doing his LLM in Scotland had a problem with his Malaysian community. Always poking their noses into his private lives, and not in the polite way too. When asked why? The simple answer given by one of the elderly member was that ‘they care’. The man goes on justifying himself saying something like ”kalau tak nak ’bercampur gaul’, esok apa2 susah. Kitorang tak tolong” What in the name of God does that mean? Help comes together with the obligation of having to bear unnccessary interferences? We care only if you are one of us? Goodness! That doesn’t sound like good Asian values at all. Despite all the ramblings and rantings, my point is only one. We should respect other people’s privacy. And by that I do not mean a complete respect where you can’t even stop people from doing sinful things. Members of society should be able to correct each other and prevent each other from going astray. But there are limits to this! You cannot simply but into other people’s lives simply because they are not living their lives the way you do. As long as it is not a sin (or WITHOUT DOUBT going towards the performance of a sin) , you should keep your hands to yourself. Hold your tongue and clear your head from ridiculuous thoughts, suspicions and ghastly imaginations.  When you go to your relatives’ house for Raya, please, stop yourself from asking personal questions. In fact, stop asking any unncessary questions…meaning any questions which you know are not related to your life at all. Stop it!

Changes

The scariest thing about changes are that you can’t stop them. It is common to hear or to come across sayings and quotes about how important it is for us to embrace changes that happen in our life, and try to adapt to them instead of trying to stop them. But when it comes to really applying these golden rules in our life (or at least in mine), I found it really hard to be done.  I feel that changes in terms of general situations affecting my life is much easier to handle in comparison to changes of the personalities of loved ones that are affecting my relationships with them. At least with situations, you can try your best to adapt to it or make the best out of it. But when it comes to people’s personality, human beings are much are harder to predict…and to be adapted to. When people who are close to you change, the changes bring about the change of values that all this while have been the basis of your relationship with them. So, to adapt to these so-called new values brought by their changes of personalities, you have to change too. And this in many ways would mean that you have to compromise your values to suit their new ones. This is harder said than done. Ever since my dad got sick and became paralyzed, I found myself to be constantly put in the difficult situation of having to hold on to the values that he has thought me and at the same time maintain a healthy relationship with people around me…who have changed. Being the first in the family obviously means that I was brought up in a very strict and disciplined environment.  As I grew up, I realize that these values that he has instilled inside of me is extremely valuable. They have made me who I am and assisted me in achieving many things in life. I of course, plan to hold on to these values and intend to pass them down (if possible) to my own children in the future. But, when people who are close to me, (who once shared the same values) changes…and their changes in turn demand me to change, I sometimes feel as though I’m betraying my father. A year before he got sick, about a few months before I flew to England for my masters, I had a long conversation with my dad. Come to think of it, it was queer that we had such conversation. It was as though he knew that something was going to happen to him, and he wants to tell me everything that I should know while he could still do so. Among many things that he said, few of the very important ones are that I must try my very best to keep the family together and that I must take care of my mother and my siblings no matter what happens and no matter who comes between us. And ever since he got sick,  and I took over his responsibilities, this ‘taking care’ business has been ever challenging and unrelenting. There are times, when I would tiptoe to my dad’s bedside, hug him very tightly and whisper to him that I have failed. Of course now, he no longer understands what this actually means. Like a small child, he would only stare at me for a moment, and then snuggle up to me, at the same time smile babyishly while closing his eyes and hugs me back. I know this sounds nuts to some people, but I just feel so guilty for not being able to do what he entrusted me to do…I pray to God to give me strength to hold on…

Mona Lisa Smile

I was surfing through the net, reading about some interesting information about the famous mona lisa painting when I came accross this meaningful quote from the movie, Mona Lisa Smile:

Betty Warren:
Don’t disregard our traditions just because you’re subversive.

Katherine Watson:
Don’t disrespect this class just because you’re married.

Betty Warren:
Don’t disrespect me just because you’re not.

Katherine Watson:
Come to class, do the work, or I’ll fail you.

Betty Warren:
If you fail me, there will be consequences.

Katherine Watson:
Are you threatening me?

Betty Warren:
I’m educating you.

Katherine Watson:
That’s my job.

Friendship & Family

What I found to be most amazing in a true friendship is the ability to tolerate each other’s faults and weaknesses. The willingness to forgive and forget. The endurance to put up with each other’s stupid mistakes and obstinacy. And of course, the inclination to always be there for each other. But, in an age old friendship where friends have known each other for numerous years, could the very same unique, indivual characters that drawn us together to become friends in the first place, be the exact same factor that will break us apart?  The very same attitude that we first thought to be amusing and attractive, could it, after many years be mere unbearable annoyances? If such is true, than that is truly is a very sad thing. Sometimes, in the early years of friendship, when we just got to know each other, we deem to perceive our friends as deep oceans. Full of mysteries, many new things to be explored. And as we get closer along the coming years, we will discover more and more new qualities about each other and that will make the friendship bond even tighter. But, say we have known every single thing there is to know about a person, could boredom turns those special, inimitable personalities of our friends to at last be something that we cannot tolerate? And hence the exact same reason why we became friends in the first place now becomes the reason that will make us want to avoid each other? I remembered a female colleague of mine who once had a disagreement with her best friends. The bickerings ended with them going into their separate ways, not talking to each other. I was very susprised when that happened. In fact most of us that knew them were surprised. They were friends since high school. And just for that very silly incident, everything fell apart. I asked her how could that happen? She gave the whole story and end it by saying, ‘the friendship is too old anyway.’ She left me puzzled by that last remarks. Does that actually mean that even in the closest of friendship, there will come a day when we will finally got tired of each other and just call it a day? If that is true, I can’t help feeling a little disgusted. I however, do notice one very glaring thing in my friendship with my five best pals. True, the older the friendship gets, the more fragile it becomes. I notice that quarrels are more prone to happen. Negative comments that once upon a time could easily be brushed off with just laughter and  jokes will suddenly become triggering points that will start long, unnecessary squabbles if accidently fired. But I take that not as a sign that the we are getting tired of each other. Rather, we are actually moving onto a new rung on the friendship ladder. From close friends, we are becoming brothers. We are becoming a real family. Without knowing it, we have became very comfortable with each other, up to the point that we feel comfortable voicing out our hurt feelings and dissatisfactions. People who are not close, they don’t quarrel not because they are always happy with each other. They are just not close enough to be able to let out what they really feel and think. When friends become family, we will reach a point where even small comments will matter. If something that we say or do, suddenly hurts a close friend, it means that we have been upgraded to be someone more important in that friend’s life. People may get annoyed or even offended if an outsider makes a negative comment. But people will only be really hurt if the comment comes from someone that really matters in their life. So, for me, there’s no such thing as a too-old-friendship. A family is not just the family that we are born in. Family also refers to a group of people who cares about each other, love one another, go through joys/hardships together and always supports each other. In family, no matter how hateful or scornful or silly one of us will be, we will never say that we have had enough and just purchase a ticket out of the family. There is always that something that will hold us back together. True friendship is like a family. And in a family, no one ever gets too old for the others to bear. In a family, we will adapt to the other member of the family. It’s called give and take. And like family, true friendship is always forever…   

The Fat Boy’s Confession

I was looking at the bathroom mirror this morning, and it suddenly struck me…I’m fat. In fact, I’m getting FATTER. The sad, but horrified image in the mirror looked back at me, questioning if  I should do anything about it. I tried smiling back at it, and the chubby fellow smiled back…reluctantly. About few weeks ago, when I traveled to Kota Bharu for a short course, I met an ex school mate who did what everybody else had been doing to me the past three-four years. He reminded me of the fact that I am getting bigger and bigger, fatter and fatter. Question is, was I frustrated that I had suddenly become a member of the weight watchers pity party. Yup! Of course I was. Who won’t. In fact, there are still times when I still feel down whenever I passed my own image in the mirror in the shopping mall. Everytime old friends, ex-teachers and relatives told me that I am fat, I would spend the next two or three days flipping through old photos from school days and asked myself why I had become like this. But, as time goes by and as people around me started to get used to the new me (who is, according to them, still getting fatter), they started to talk less about my weight, and I myself had gotten use to the fact that I am now no longer my old skinny self. Some of my very close friends had even tried introducing me to a much healthier eating habit. You know the drills…those eat not at night, eat not after 8pm and eat not the red meat rules. Most of these rules basically come back to the ultimate law of "you must reduce your food consumption" And that’s the one and only thing in my life at this very moment that I can’t give up. What can I say? I love love love food. Eating is the only thing that gets me going these days. Those sweet candies and chocolates are the only thing that would give me peace of mind and solace after a day of whiny and uncooperative students. Munching nuts and crackers while watching my favourite dvd is the one thing that would silence all those worries in my head about my paralyzed dad whose kidneys are failing, about my siblings whose problem I would not want to discuss here, about my mom who is now fighting to balance her schedule between working full time and studying for her part-time degree in uitm, about my indonesian maid who has the tendency to steal and fled from us, about my phd research that’s currently at a standstill due to mindblock, about how I am going to financially support the whole family the next coming month and so many other things…I used to try and solve every each problems that come my way. And in the process, I would at times, got angry and scolded people who caused the problem (or people who would not help me to untangle those problems). But I later learned that the energy and perseverance to SOLVE EVERYTHING is not going to be there in me forever…plus there are many things (and people) that are simply unimprovable regardless of how hard you have tried. And as this realization starts to replace my will to resolve, I started letting go…But letting go and not trying to untangle those problems did not stop me from thinking about them. And those thoughts were even harder to ignore. Two options were available at that time. I could be a frequent user of anti depressants or I could rejoice food. I chose the latter. Everybody has their own way of handling (and avoiding from being burden by) problems. This is mine. So, whenever a smart-ass tried to criticize me for not trying hard enough to be thin, I just kept quiet and let him have a go at me for about half an hour, and then I would just go and grab a burger.